memory lane--the 80s

I went to a wonderful Halloween party last week.  It was at the home of a dear friend and her partner--a new friend.  I hadn't had my friend for many years, 15 years I'm embarrassed to say.  We had a falling out over something stupid, and didn't speak for a long time.  I really hurt her feelings.  Of all the friends I've missed, I missed her the most.  She loved me, she knew me well, she recognized my bullshit, and she called me on it some of the time. I think she let a lot of things pass because of how much she loved me.

The 80s were hard for me. I didn't know how to be on the planet. My astrologer says it was because I'm actually from another planet.  I suspect it had more to do with the AIDS epidemic and what that taught me about medicine and politics, and my inexperience with having friends in general.  Let's just say I was a difficult child and leave it at that.

The end of the 80s were even harder due to the deaths of several people close to me within a short period of time.  They don't tell you that when those close to you die, they take part of you with them.  I lost what I'd learned about "how to be on the planet," and was left with an aching gaping hole.

During the 80s and early 90s I wrote constantly. When I wasn't working as a nurse to make money, I was writing or engaged in some other humanity building activity like dancing or going to some 'cultural' event.

When my friends died I was paralyzed and in horrible pain.  I no longer wrote because it was too painful. One friend was a man with AIDS who worked nightshift with me and always knew when I was writing something new.  Another friend died in a climbing accident.  I wrote her letters every day for 7 years.  It was her contribution to my becoming a writer.  The other friend was a poet who took his own life.  These deaths all happened within 8 weeks.

I was silenced by the pain and I pulled away from my life thinking that this would give me some relief.  [It did not.][There are no shortcuts in grief.]  I packed my life away in labeled manila envelopes with dates on them.

Anyway, after spending a grand Halloween evening with my friend, and feeling like I had finally bridged the gap between the 80s and now, I started looking for my past life as a poet. I was hoping to find some material for my NaNoWriMO project.  I found all kinds of amazing things, including a poem from Marvin Bell which I apparently tore out of a journal and saved.  Looks like it was on my bulletin board for a while.  I'm putting it on the next entry.

My partner has been helping me to find my envelopes that have been tucked away and she has been putting up with my crap in the middle of the floor! [This is a big deal because we are also remodeling.] I have not found my poetry books yet, so this is not my favorite Marvin Bell poem.